


As I Watched

by MyNameIsRochelleRae



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 18:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3619875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyNameIsRochelleRae/pseuds/MyNameIsRochelleRae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As I watched you, I fell in love with you. It was wrong but it felt right and good, but I knew it was still wrong anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As I Watched

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that you guys will enjoy reading this!

As I watched you walk into that office door the first time, I was captivated by your looks. Green eyes that shone like emeralds caught my eye when I looked up from my computer, brown hair was messy as could be framing your angular face. You looked like a dream to me, the light that shone from the window made you look like an angel from the heavens sent just for me. I laughed at that thought, it was a sin thinking that even. I stifled those ideas, _Michael Vincent Jones, do not commit any sins or God will not let you into heaven_ , my parents always said to me as a child. Falling in love with a man is definitely a sin.

You opened your mouth and a melodic British accent rolled off your tongue, I fell deeper into you, there was just no escape and I knew it.

“Hi there everyone, my name is Gavin David Free. I’m from Oxfordshire, England. I am working on SlowMo Guys and now with you guys, the Achievement Hunters.” Gavin spoke cheerfully, a small grin on his face. Everyone greeted him warmly and welcomed him in, I quickly joined in, trying to hide any sign of attraction.

As I watched you settle into your spot of the office, I knew that I was committing a sin. _Well, banish me to hell now because I can’t stay away from him._

 

As I watched how you interacted with everyone else, I knew I fell further in love with you. You behaved how you wanted, never afraid of how people would look at you and judge you. Something I could never do. Everything I did was calculated just so people only saw what I wanted them to. For the camera I was always angry, in front of you guys, I was an asshole, but secretly I was scared. Scared that people would find me annoying because of my attitude. Scared that people would hate me because of the way I was. Scared that people would judge me because although I may not be religious, I am scared of committing sins because ever since I was young, my parents have never stopped harping that I would go to hell if I made any mistakes.

As I watched how you interacted with everyone else, I fell further in love with you because you were exactly the type of person I wanted to be like. Carefree and unafraid.

_I knew I could not have you, it was a sin. I knew that I could not have you but I pine for you every day. At least I get to spend time with you almost every day that is good enough for now._

As I watched you when we hung out, I fell even further in love, if that was even possible. You looked at me with your bright green eyes and your luscious lips that I would love to kiss turned up, smiling at me. We were at his apartment, sitting on the couch, a couple of beers sitting on the coffee table in front of us as we played Mario Kart.

“I’ll smoke your mingy ass Micool.” Gavin’s marvellous voice taunted me. I melted a little inside when he said my name. I would give my soul to hear him speak sweet nothings in my ear.

“Oh no you won’t you idiot.” I laughed, giving a hard nudge. My skin tingled as it came into contact with his bare skin. I wanted nothing more but to touch him but I knew I could not. It would be committing a sin.

It was starting to get harder and harder trying to conceal my feelings for Gavin. I knew I loved him and I knew it was wrong. I knew I was close to committing a sin if I even just let my eyes stare at him longer than I should. _I should being around him so much, just stop being close to him, maybe it will stop my feelings from growing, maybe even stop feeling for him. Rip it off like a band aid, it may hurt at first but if I keep going like this, it will hurt me more._

 

As I watched how you fell in love with Meg Turney, I knew I was too deep into you. I knew fully well that I had no claim over you, I knew fully well that you would never love me back, I knew fully well that I was just jealous seeing you fall in love with someone who was not me. As I watched you turn your brilliant green eyes to her and direct your beautiful smile at her, it hurt me.

I knew the day would come where you would fall in love with some girl but until then, I wanted to keep you all to myself, my own little guilty pleasure. The day came too soon when you started dating Meg. Sure, she was beautiful and had a great personality but secretly I wanted you to look only at me, smile only at me.

“So guys, I’m dating Meg Turney, I hope to keep it on the down low though, don’t need too many people knowing about it.” Gavin announced to the office. The others were congratulating him happily and I robotically followed alone, trying to fake a smile.

Out of spite or just anger, I went on Twitter and secretly hinted at their relationship, knowing that it would make it slightly harder for them when they asked us to keep it on the down low. They did not mind at all and that made me more emotional. I just wanted Gavin to love me back.

_I knew this day would come, I knew this down to my very core. Why did you not pay attention to me, your best friend who was head over heels in love with you? Sin or not, I just wanted you to love me._

 

As I watched you, I didn’t watch what I was doing until I saw myself in the mirror that night. My face was red and puffy from the tears that streamed down my face. I had been crying the entire night. Beer bottles laid strewn around the floor, empty, the room stank of alcohol. The room started to tilt slightly and I knew I was drunk but the cold realisation of my feelings left me sober. I was in love with you Gavin, me, Michael Vincent Jones, the son of a family of devout Roman Catholics was in love with a man, a British man by the name of Gavin David Free. The very definition of a sin. I was gay. I was going to go to hell.

I was in love with a man, I was going to go to hell and yet I watched the man I love, the man I was going to hell for in the arms of a woman. A man who did not even know that I was so deeply in love with him. What was the point of even living knowing that I was going to hell for a man who would never love me back?

 

“I love you Gavin, I love you so much. I just wanted you to know that I love you more than just a best friend, I loved you like I never loved before. I hope that you and Meg are happy together and that the two of you will love each other forever.” I texted Gavin on the phone, it was 2am, he would have been asleep by now. Setting down my phone on the bed, I made up my mind.

 

As I watched the world tilt in front of me, I managed to somehow stumble to the bathroom and drawn a bath, letting the hot water steam up the room. I pulled the cabinet door open, finding the replacement shaving razor I had. It was sharp. I walked back to the bath, it was not full yet, in fact, there was very little water but I sat myself down into the tub, clothes still on and pushed my sleeves up above my elbow.

 _If I cannot have you, then what was the point of living, Gavin?_ I knew that I would go to hell because I was in love with you, I thought that at least if you had loved me back, it would make going to hell worth it. I knew that you would never love me, I knew it since I fell in love with you.

_Not like a band aid anymore, it was more like a chronic sickness. It hurt and hurt and it will keep on hurting. It would hurt till the day I die._

I pressed the razor into my skin, feeling the sharp pain as I felt my skin cut open and saw the blood seep out. I watched as the blood slowly dripped into the water, the red mixing into the clear water, too little blood to make a difference in the rising water level.

I cut a little bit deeper this time, I cried out at the pain, it hurt but nothing hurt more than knowing that I could not have you. More blood dripped into the water, still not enough to turn the clear water red.

I cut deeper and I cut more lines into my wrist. The blood was not dripping anymore, there was a constant but slow stream of blood running down my arm. I watched the clear water start to turn slightly red.

 

As I watched the water turn red and spill out of the tub, staining the pure white floor of the bathroom a diluted shade of red, my vision started to blur and I could not breathe properly. I could no longer keep my grasp on the razor as I felt it fall out of my hand and land with a muted thud on the tiled bathroom floor.

 _I love you Gavin._ I thought sadly.

 

As I watch my vision fade away, I saw visions of you. I remembered vividly the first time I saw you. Gorgeous green eyes, messy brown hair, lean body and a desirable British accent. I knew I was going to be in love with you and get hurt by you. I still fell for you anyway.

As everything turned black, I remembered you saying my name. I smiled and closed my eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Forgive me if there are any spelling/grammar errors, do leave comments and constructive criticisms for me!


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